


Ambivalence

by ReulletHollow



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Cute, Dystopia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Gay, High School, Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Introspection, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M, Men Crying, Mild Smut, Original Character(s), Other, Pain, Pansexual Character, Protectiveness, Realization, Romance, Secret Crush, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, Students, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trauma, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29167023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReulletHollow/pseuds/ReulletHollow
Summary: When Snow comes back to the school district he used to go to as a young boy. He dislikes everyone to varying degrees, and still has a strong grudge against certain people. But when his 'nemesis' comes to school looking wildly different. He suddenly starts feeling a strange compassion for them. Gazing upon them from a distance every chance he could. Not being able to recognizing why he's feeling this way, he knows that it is definitely not 'normal' for him. Now having to figure out what he's feeling and why, he has to confront himself. Reflecting on his ways so to speak. Will it be for better or for worse?
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This comic is from a 3rd person deep point of view focusing mainly on Snow. Because my comic focuses on Soul, who is the original 'main protagonist'. 
> 
> Also if you want a bit more back story as to who these characters are and their history. Then you should go read my Webtoon comic 'Soul.' This fanfiction delves deeper into the up and coming relationship of Snow and Soul. 
> 
> (My user name on Webtoon is ReulletHollow)
> 
> Also something to keep in mind, this fanfiction is not perfect. I am so sorry if there are a few spelling errors. But man I just really wanted to post this. AND I haven't posted any of my writing in a long while. So I might be a bit rusty.
> 
> Anyways without further Adiu I give you Ambivalence~

In a cozy cafe on the edge of town sat a high school student tracing the words on the 45th page of his book. Sitting lazily with his black steaming coffee not far out of reach and the smell of Brazilian dark beans in the air. There was a light trotting jazz music playing in what seemed like the background of his story; Along with short soft conversation here and there. It was a warm atmosphere in both color, mood, and temperature. The perfect place of silence for him to actually relax and get away from life. As he takes his thumb to trace the page to the very edge he glances up for a moment to see what time it was. 

Though instead caught a glimpse of a radiant beauty behind the window pane of eloquent writing. He thought they were a stranger at first, but the people that accompanied this person seemed very familiar. Amy and Mel were there beside them and he’s only known those two people to be that casual around one person.

_ Soul?  _

Snow suddenly could hear his heart in his ears as he gazed upon what looked like a new person. Soul’s long flattened blue locks were completely gone with the exception of the blue tips. The bell just above the door jangled to signify someone entering the cafe. As the group moved in he noticed there was a certain spunk in Souls step. He tried to watch them without having them notice his presence by bringing the book up to his face and hunching over a bit. As if that was going to help him. He already knew he had very unique hair. Staring at the page he tried to read it but kept glancing up to keep an eye on the group of girls.

They were up at the counter now ordering their drinks and food as a normal person would at a cafe. He tried to get his mind off the new people that have joined the atmosphere by trying to get more reading done. Every little movement that could be seen out of the corner of his eye kept snatching away his attention. Like they were taunting him with the slight movements of their hands and turning of their heads. Though he kept getting grabbed away from reading his words. It’s almost as if he didn’t mind. Like part of him wanted to observe their day out rather than focus on his own.

As they finished their order they started shuffling around a bit as if they were trying to physically communicate to each other to find a seat. Snow ducked behind his book before they could see his face. Exhaling softly as they find their way to a cozy booth corner instead of infront of him or behind him. He kept up his spying from a distance. His eyes being drawn to Soul more than anyone in that cafe. She looked so different from just a few days ago when he saw her leave the school for her dorms. He wondered what could have made her decide to take such a drastic course of action as to cut off almost all of her hair.

His peering was almost spotted once or twice in the ten minutes he was observing, but his book and hoodie made for a good blockade. One of the staff sauntered out of the kitchen holding a circular tray in front of them. And on it was what looked like an apple fritter, a scone, and 3 white mugs that were all omitting steam. The tall woman brought the goods to the red booth where they resided. Gingerly setting the delectables down in front of the correct individuals. The whole time Snow has this perfect angle from where he was seated, to be able to see Souls face in clear view. The smile that she gifted to the woman gave him a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. He couldn’t quite put his finger on why that was, but her grin seemed to light up the space around her. Later he caught himself staring at this girl for more than 5 minutes, which was kind of worrying him, so he decided to drag more of his focus back to the reason he came here. Putting the plan into play, it seemed like it was doing a good job of staying focused on the book. Other than the occasional glance to make sure they weren’t staring at him like he was them earlier. 

Every time he did peer though, it seemed like they were having a wonderful time. Making him subconsciously smile, like all the past troubles he’s had washed away. Allowing him to have this freeing moment and not have anything holding him down. Rather than actually processing the words that his eyes were catching. His mind kept wandering off to other distant lands. Feeling a slight bitter taste of loneliness in his mouth. Wondering what it would be like to have close friends like that to hang out with whenever he wanted.

Reading the rest on the page he Imagined himself as someone to be liked in the world of the book. He would be a good person and wouldn’t have to worry about showing people his dominance or his shame. Just living peacefully among the people he cares about without a worry in the world. 

_ If I could have friends… What would I do with them? What do friends even do when they hang out? _

Getting lost in the downward spiral that was his own sadness and loneliness. He played around with what it would really be like and who his friends would be. In the end Snow almost felt like writing a novel himself. Believing that it might fill in the gap that every other person his age didn’t have. And just as suddenly as the group of girls came, they left the cafe with laughter in their lungs. Leaving an almost eerie silence behind as the door shut, allowing him to hear the ringing in his ears. 

He had caught himself in a mad spiral and was only brought out of the coma by the bell of them taking off. Snow lets out a short breath to himself before he, too, decides to depart. Slowly getting up from the cushioned stool, he finished up the coffee tossing aside a good tip for the waiter before also escaping the premises.

  
  
  


Snow runs his fingers along the cold metal lockers as he’s walking down the warped school hallway with no destination in mind. The atmosphere was eerie, and he felt a shiver run down his spine even though change in temperature doesn’t affect him. After a few moments of wandering he saw a flicker of light that was waiting to be found near the end of the hall. It coaxed him and called to him in a gentle way. Like a parent does after they see their child get hurt on their favorite play set. This gave him the ‘desperation’ to bathe in the warm light, as though it were the all knowing master of understanding love, friendships and happiness. 

A bright curiosity, has his heart racing, recognizing the opportunity his legs start moving forward. Slowly accelerating to impossible speeds he could feel a tug in his heart allowing the sun to swallow it whole. The small dot grew from the size of a baseball, to a basketball, to a bean bag chair, till it swelled to encompass the entire space of the hall. Like it was a gateway to some enchanted place where no pain could be felt and your sins could be forgotten. 

It was so bright that it would have made anyone go blind but somehow he could look at it without his eyes hurting at all. Like it was a gentle glow rather than a radiating star. But as he was looking into this refraction he was absorbing images that were traveling through at the speed of light. Fast forwarding through the chaotic mess of his childhood and zooming into the future. Seeing images of his crushing defeat and regret before falling off completely into a 6 foot deep grave he dug for himself. 

Hitting him all at once, cutting him open and bruising him as they passed. The pain became too much to bear and he could feel his once strong legs giving out from beneath him. But even in this situation he still reached for the calling angle, a warm feeling filling his body as he got closer. When he was only mere inches away from the portal of warmth, there was something of longing, a fire that only needed the slightest fleck of an ember to light. A snub reluctants held him back, knowing that if he did this, that it would create a rift in his heart. But even in doubt the voice gave way to his ears breaking the language barrier to speak a simple sentence.

“Do you want to change your future?” called a soft omnipotent voice.

“Yes.” He spoke weakly and wearly as his instinct pushes him the rest of the way. Snow exhales slowly as he draws the last of his strength to reach into the light. Making contact he felt a burning rush through his body. Allowing him to feel warm in this cold hallway, and as the last of his breath was stolen from his lungs he looked up with glossy eyes to see a hazy image of Soul turning her head to smile at him in the shine. It was unlike any smile he had ever seen before, because it gave him hope for a better future. The image was beautiful to him in a way he had never really felt before. Staggering he felt the floor cave in from beneath him and he started to plummet into a chilly darkness where the light would not follow.

Snow’s eyes shot open, panting a bit, he recognized his light grey walls and the airsoft gun leaning against it. Letting out a breath, he felt his tank top sticking to his back and his chest like it was half dried glue. Stripping the sweaty tank top off he shifted his eye level to the half open curtains to his right. Recognising the morning light stretching it's fingers through the glass.

“Damn it’s not raining today…” he said, still out of breath like he had run all that way in real life.

Taking a few moments to let chest stop heaving as much and he had a moment to think.

__ _...That was… really weird. _

Running a hand through his partially matted and damp hair, he jumped a bit at a deafening sound, but soon recognized the loud beeping to be his alarm clock. Relaxing his tensed muscles again, he rubs a hand on his neck.

_ Stupid alarm. _


	2. Big Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snows morning routine is essentially made up of, ignoring people, telling them to get out of the way, and staring them down menacingly. But that's all about to change very quickly.

He jams his finger down on the button to turn off the dumb noise maker. Flopping back down on his bed just breathing and staring at the cracks of the ceiling. The comforter was just sitting on the ground where it usually was. 

Everything was where it normally was, the dark wooden bookshelf was still sitting in the corner. The plastic black laundry basket planted close to the wall full of clothes he's been putting off washing. Assorted writing utensils and papers strewn about on his dark desk. No chair to the desk in order to keep his bags of camping supplies are stuffed beneath the overhang without disturbance. The trashcan next to his desk, full of crumpled up attempts at decent writing. Candles dotting every surface of the room, usually of more natural nostalgic scents. From camping in the woods, to actually half decent Thanksgiving dinners at his grandmother's house. Scents such as vanilla, lavender, pine, and lots from the fall season, make him want to return to those times. Times that were once happy and joyful, with little to no sorrow. Turning his heavy head to his left he could see the sun peeking through the cracks of his curtains, and the muffled chirping of birds. Following the rays of light from the window to the hard surface of his work space. Noticing the obnoxious amounts of numbers on a few of the papers that lay there. 

_ I don’t wanna think about Math right now. _

He slowly sat up with a slight groan rubbing his neck feeling a crick in it. Sighing he used a hand to jutting his chin to the left, hearing a pop in his body.

Yawning a bit he stood up he leaned his torso forward while pressing his hands to the small of his back, creating a chain of cracking sounds before going to his white built in closet, gripping the metal knob and sliding it open. 

Grabbing the “formal attire” Which was a pain in the ass to wear. Mostly because his pants didn’t quite fit very well in the nether regions.

“If I find out which ass hole took it too far. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” He muttered to himself as he struggled to get his pants to fit sort of okay before he left the still room.

Throwing his things together in a white computer bag with black trim he trudges into the more light up hall. His steps of Autumn Lace up Mesh Suede shoes could be heard on the short dark matted carpet. Rounding the corner he spotted a few guys dicking around at the vending machine trying to see if they could cheat it out of it’s well deserved money. Snow rolled his eyes and continued to another scene of 3 guys just sitting in a row on a bigger platform just 12 strides down. Seeming very absorbed in the screens of their Nintendo switches. Every couple moments screeching about how much of a bully the person beside them was. It echoed throughout the stairwell because of the not so soundproof concrete walls. His ears braced for the sound, he winced when he was only a couple feet away as he passed.   
  
_ …So loud.  _ He never found himself to be very good at video games and didn’t really see a purpose to them.

Taking his leisurely time, he walked past them without a single one of them noticing his presence. Their screams echoed every couple of moments which just made everything feel twice as noisy. Marching down a few more steps he eventually came across another conundrum. Another group of guys had taken custody of the next platform all just chatting in a bunched up pile. Effectively creating a barricade that no one could pass through, unless you knew some sort of secret password.

__ _ Oh my lord  _ He lightly touches his fingertips to his face and lets out a loud gruff sigh could be heard over the abrupt yelling from above. The crowd that had gathered on the platform was startled by the sudden noise that came from from behind them. Snow lets a forced grin crawl onto his face as if to say ‘let me pass you ass hats.’ They all almost stumbled to get out of his path, eyes of nervousness pinned on him as he passed. That forced grin turned into one of malice as he parted through them. Telling them another story, ‘I better not find you blocking the way again.’ Though as soon as he was out of view the smile wipes off his face entirely and he goes back to looking like he might hurt you if you look at him funny. The rest of the way down he was in a state of floating emptiness, spacing out he took his time perambulating along. Head tentatively bobbing from side to side as his body weight shifts from foot to foot.

Eventually making it outside, and seeing the bright warm star in the sky, his face lightens up a bit, before he remembers he has to head into the big brick building to his right. Taking in the sunlight, as he heads over to the entrance, every now and then glancing at people chatting with one and other or holding hands, or sometimes he’ll even catch two people making out discreetly in the darker corners. Giving him more of a feeling of discontent, and jealousy, than happiness. All these distracting elements irritated him because he couldn’t help but feel a bit of resentment. None the less he continues on, figuring that one day someone will have the type of confidence he was looking for.

_ It's just not my day yet, that’s all.  _

Ambling through the doors of the building he could see that students were mingling in big clumps in the halls. Entrance looking lousy as ever with crappy posters on the walls that talk of the schools annual competition. A few dents and scratches all about the walls, and scuff marks all over the floor, like there was a stampede. This wasn’t just inclusive to the entrance though, there was evidence of it all over the school. Which just made it feel that much more scuffed of an environment. Reflexively avoiding the traffic around him in every way other than eye contact, as he heads to the light blue locker bay. Throwing a couple people off with his stare, and making others full on speed walk away out of his range. Though as he’s approaching the locker, he can see Julian at the opposite end of the hall to him.

  
“ughh...Not this blond ass hole again.” he says quietly glaring at him as Julian's calm snarky demeanor heads towards the opposite end of the hall. Snow never got the same type of reaction that he got out of others. Being one of the few people that did not care for his piercing glare, he tries to ignore him every time he approaches.

“Having a good morning?” Julian spoke in a taunting tone as he came to pass Snow.

Just scoffing in response as he finally ends the approach to his safe. Opening it up like he has nothing to hide he takes out a few things he shoves his light bag inside before slamming it shut again. Keeping only a green pencil, black notebook and grey folder in hand. Subconsciously walking as distant from people as he possibly can before taking a seat in his english class. He leaned back in this chair sighing and crossing his arms he lifted his gaze, he waited for this impossibly slow class to start. Blocking out the noises of other people joining the space, he just sat there for some excruciatingly long minutes. Before the bell finally goes off and he takes his gaze back down from the spotty ceiling. With his eyes immediately striking the front row tables, more specifically Soul's empty spot. This was a common occurrence but he couldn’t brush it off like usual for once he was actually curious as to where she was. Suddenly hearing the slightly echoed steps of someone in the hall before they come into the room. Snow redirects his gaze to the open wooden door, and in a matter of moments Soul confidently strides through. At the sight Snow's breath nearly left his body again like it did this morning. His eyes widened a bit in surprise and his brows furrowed.

‘ _ What is happening here?’ _

Snow's gaze did not leave her as she walked over to the lounging first hour instructor. She was wearing a pristine white long sleeve folding up to her elbow and pants which was unusual, because the girls would usually wear skirts. The teacher seemed a bit shocked at the sudden transformation and Soul greeted her and started speaking more quietly. Before they both nod, and the teacher looks rather happy asking one final question. The teacher herself then stood up from the cushy chair she was seated, Snow was now leaning in with a curious interest about him.

“Hello class! Before we start today, Soul has an announcement for us.” She smiles, gesturing Soul to take a step forward.

Soul then clears her throat before talking, a nervous look flashing on her face for a moment. Exhaling softly to herself she looks to her friends who were both silently nodding probably encouraging her with smiles and thumbs. Soul light smiles at the sight of her friends and begins her short speech.

“I would like to be referred to using the He/Him pronouns from now, Thank you.” She then anxiously and excitedly hobbled to her seat between the chattery friend. Taking both Amy and Mel in either of her arms and hugging them to herself. The teacher was watching them with a smile on her face and was even taking a few pictures.

The whole class room was stunned to silence the space felt as though the air was sucked out of it by a vacuum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'm going to try and post every week!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed that delectable content! Stick around for more because there's going to be plenty of it! 
> 
> And if you have any questions for me, comment them down below please and thank you! 
> 
> Have a wonderful day and stay safe! ^^


End file.
